Dear Mr. Mullens:
I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!
I have been a fan of Oregon football for years (well, I started following Oregon when they went to the “Natty” in 2011) and I just cannot sit idly by and allow you and the coaches to ruin my team!
I know insiders, people who have very close connections to the team (this guy I met in a bar has ESPN Insider and reads every John Canzano article!!!), and I can tell you that the team is literally falling apart.
At this rate we will lose the rest of our games this season!
Let’s look at the last four games we’ve played:
Oregon got destroyed by Ohio State (we will ignore that Oregon had just destroyed Florida State and were within a point of the Buckeyes in the third quarter).
Then the Ducks barely beat Eastern Washington to kick off 2015 (despite never really being threatened, leading by 13 or more for nearly the entire game).
They followed up that performance by getting stomped by Michigan State (on the road, against a top-5 team looking for revenge, and still had a chance to win on the last possession).
And last weekend, they squeaked out a flawed win over hapless Georgia State (should have been 99-0!!!).
First of all, why are we even playing these teams like Georgia State and Eastern Washington? Teams like Alabama never schedule these cupcakes (hello Middle Tennessee State, Charleston Southern, and ULM … huh?? Really??). The real programs play teams that are tough, not the joke schools we schedule.
I am in top management and I have years of leadership experience (I manage a mini-storage and earn way more than minimum wage!), so with my background I have no choice but to look at Oregon football like a business. And if this were a business I would fire the GM, and maybe even the CEO, and that would be you.
(Please ignore the hopelessly flawed analogy since football is a zero-sum game necessitating that for every win, there is a corresponding loss. Thus, the average winning percentage of all teams in the aggregate must be 50 percent, while all businesses can grow with the economy.)
It’s embarrassing! We are Oregon(!) and we need to aspire to be like the best teams in the history of college football. Since 1995 our winning percentage is a lowly 73.8 percent. How can you sit there and accept this mediocrity! The great schools would not! Lets look at some.
OK, let’s look for a moment at UCLA. What advantages do they have over Oregon? None!
OK, sure they are in Southern California, where a top high school has more high-level four-star recruits than the entire state of Oregon.
Sure, the weather is amazing. And the beaches are nice … some of them.
Yes, they have a longer tradition of winning.
And UCLA is a top-tier university.
Yes, those California girls DO look good, but …
We are Oregon, dang it! We deserve to win!
Oh, so over the past 20 years UCLA has won only 57 percent of their games? Really? That can’t be right … .
Well ok, math was never my strong point. It’s still football!
Last year we lost to Arizona … Arizona! These upsets are unacceptable. Other great teams do not get upset! It simply never happens to great teams with great coaches. Think about it!
By the way, are you watching this Alabama-Ole Miss game? Very entertaining!
And its obvious we can’t win the big games. Lost again in the big one, the Natty!
(Ok, it’s true to get there Oregon had to beat really good teams like MSU, UCLA, Arizona and defending national champion and undefeated FSU)
I know a thing about football. I played D-1 football and coached at a high level (ok, I was really a back up on a mediocre high school team with no D1 talent, but I did sub for my brother-in-law as coach for two Pop Warner games).
The Ducks are not a well-coached team!
And what’s with this coach? He is way too calm. Everyone knows that you have to get the guys fired up! Like — when a player makes a mistake, he should be chewing the player’s ass out immediately and publicly.
That’s how you motivate (it worked for my wife! OK, ex wife. She left me after I was too … motivational)!
I invest a lot of money in Oregon football (I sometimes buy expensive beer when I watch the game on TV). If big changes are not made, and I mean soon, I will be forced to withdraw my support (you can expect me to not wear that off-brand Oregon shirt I bought when I go to work next week). I’m serious!
John Bandwagon Know-it-all
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