Oh, the anticipation! It’s just a few hours before it all begins–the dashing, the smashing, the brutal bashing. But enough talk about those screwy malls and commencing holiday shopping.
We’ve got football today–Georgia, at last. Our Beloved Ducks have flown across the continent to not-so-neutral Neutral City, led by Coach Dan Lanning, Our Beloved Savior of the Gridiron Who Can Do No Wrong. We haven’t seen this much gushing in Oregon since the pioneers got their first glimpse of Multnomah Falls.
For all of you history buffs, Neutral City obtained its name when it was neutralized by General William Tecumseh Sherman in the War Between the States. But for now, we must shine a spotlight on those intrepid souls–the Georgia Bulldogs, who must traverse 72 arduous miles from Athens to Neutral City. Such courage! Such sacrifice!
These big, brave ballers will risk stubbing their toes while boarding an air-conditioned motorcoach, a conveyance that cruelly will not stop at a single Waffle House along the way for sweet potato pancakes, country ham with red-eye gravy, or pecan sticky buns. Such hardship!
Hell to the Champs
Yes, Georgia won the national championship in January, but only because of genius defensive coordinator Dan Lanning, who is now all Duck and zero Dawg. To hell with the silly idea that the Bulldogs gain any advantage from that title game.
If you’re looking for respect, Georgia, look away. You won’t find it here, not while Oregon is majorly maligned by Georgia fans. A baseless accusation, you say? Who’s piled all that money into Vegas and driven the betting line 17 points out of whack? It sure ain’t Spongebob Squarepants and his pals.
We’re not going to give the Bulldogs credit for much, except to say we have a fondness for that red Georgia clay. Put not as poetically, when we think of the Peach State, our thoughts turn to mud. And as far as Georgia football goes, there’s much to be dissed, starting with head coach Kirby Smart and Bulldog fans.
Georgia Bulldogs? No, Georgia Moonshiners.
The Conspiracy Theory of Conspiracy Theories
In the South, it is said, everyone eats, sleeps, breathes, drinks football, and binges oneself into a coma after losing to Alabama again. Kirby Smart knows a lot about getting clobbered by the Crimson Tide. He dropped four in a row to Alabama, until Dan Lanning’s defense bailed him out in the natty.
After the Bulldogs were bulldozed by ‘Bama in last year’s SEC championship–when Smart’s offense turned the ball over twice–Georgia fans mobilized and went into FPM–Full Psychotic Mode. I’ve long been exposed to maniacal Washington Husky fans and the rabble from USC and UCLA, but Georgia Bulldog fans take derangement to a level that’s not measurable in this quadrant of the universe.
On the Bulldog message boards, those nutcase Georgia fans blasted their head coach with verbal mortars and missiles. The topper was this whopper: “Kirby Smart is a sleeper cell for Alabama.” Even I, after half a dozen Heinekens, could not make this up. The uproarious conspiracy theory that Smart was in the secret, sinister employ of Alabama and Nick Saban was bandied about by berserk, in-the-ozone Georgia fans.
It would have been kinder–and more judicious–if they’d suggested strapping Kirby Smart to a space probe aimed at Neptune.
Did Kirby throw the SEC title game? Saban’s not saying.
Stupid is as Serious Does
If you think that your favorite team’s head coach is chucking games on purpose, you’re either a.) insane, or b.) really insane.
I suppose that this fan reaction might be understandable, because it was coming from Georgia. Nonsensical, yes–but understandable. It is more proof that the South is not just serious about football, it is SERIOUS in the manner that mosquitoes way down yonder are determined to drain the blood from every last living human.
We’re not even sure if people work in the South. We’re guessing that there must be at least limited employment, because someone has to inflate all the footballs.
Georgia: ‘We’ll Play Anyone, Anywhere’–No They Won’t
The most valiant teams in college football–the Oregon Ducks come to mind–will play anyone and travel anywhere for regular-season games. If the alien beings in the Zeta Reticuli star system invited Oregon to tussle with their most athletic lifeforms, the Ducks would find a way to get there, perhaps hitching a ride with a major shoe brand looking to expand its market reach.
But you would be performing a miracle along the lines of turning agua into Sangria, if you convinced Georgia to show up on the opposite coast of this continent–on this planet. The Bulldogs regard travel the way that vampires feel about garlic.
Last year, our plucky Ducks flew 2,072 miles to play those obnoxious lunatics at Ohio State. When’s the last time that Georgia played at Ohio State? I checked the records, and the answer is coming up…calculating the total…and here it is…ZERO TIMES, also known as NEVER.
While the Ducks won at Ohio State, Georgia stayed home to play inept weakling UAB.
Scaredy-Dawgs?
In 2004, Oregon endured 1,500 bumpy air miles to play the Sooners in Norman, Oklahoma. Meanwhile, the Georgia Bulldogs, only 700 miles from Norman have avoided Oklahoma in the 21st century and in every previous century. What about Texas? Sure, Georgia played in Austin. In 1958.
In the last 10 years, Georgia has taken part in 36 non-conference games, but only mustered enough moxie to stray from home seven times, and only once outside the South. That game was in South Bend. Who knows? Maybe the timid Bulldogs schedulers believed that was in the South, too.
Ducking the Ducks in 2015 and 2016
The Oregon Ducks are popular coast-to-coast and around the world, but did you know that the Georgia “ducks” are also famous? Actually, infamous is a more appropriate appellation.
The Georgia “ducks” occurred in 2015 and 2016, when the Bulldogs ducked out of a home-and-home series with Oregon. The Georgia athletic director, we presume with knees knocking and teeth chattering, exclaimed: “You just got to be careful” of non-conference games. Put another way, Georgia was saying, “We’re skurred.” That’s “scared” for all of you north of the Mason-Dixon line.
These Dawgs are Woof-less
It is physically possible to go over the Rocky Mountains, as evidenced by the hundreds of airliners that criss-cross the Continental Divide every day. Word, though, must be slow to reach Athens. The last time that Georgia dared to venture into the Pacific Time Zone for a regular season game was on October 6, 1960, when Mamie Eisenhower was First Lady and the only astronauts were dogs and monkeys.
Georgia fans arrogantly denigrate the Pac-12 as an inferior conference. Yet since the 1970s, four Pac-12 schools have played seven games in Athens without even one reciprocal visit by Georgia.
You’ve heard the admonition, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Regarding the Georgia Bulldogs, what really scares the grits out of them is not haints or boo hags–it’s playing away from home.
If the Star Children in a far-away galaxy want to play the Ducks, they will go.
The SouthEastern Conceit
Southeastern Conference teams win a fair amount of football games. They also obliterate, humiliate, and have their way with an unfair amount of patsies, especially during November when they forego a ninth conference game. The academic reputation of the SEC is laughable, but the conference’s high numbers of athlete arrests are wholly unfunny–the SEC’s track record is a disgrace.
However, there is that old joke–an SEC quarterback, an SEC running back, and an SEC wide receiver are riding in the back seat. Who’s driving? Answer: the cop.
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Considering the SEC’s many depravities, the conceit oozing out of the conference is thoroughly unjustified and more nauseating than a Georgian’s tailgate of fried possum, alligator kebabs, and pokeweed. Bulldog fans think that they have a superior program to Oregon’s, and this is delusional. As one quick example, the Ducks lead Georgia in the number of conference wins in the 21st century, 127 to 123.
The Ducks have finer facilities, comparable talent, and classier fans. Georgia, you kind of lost that fan argument when you accused your head coach of being a Dr. Evil in disguise.
Any road game is a terrifying prospect for the Georgia Bulldogs.
Chalk Up a Win for the Ducks
Regardless of today’s final score, the Ducks have already won. They’ve won respect. They’ve won admiration. They’ve won as magnificently good sports. Oregon is in Neutral City today, 2,189 miles from the comforts of home sweet home–clean, green Eugene.
Ask yourself, would Georgia be playing the Ducks today if the neutral site was Portland, Oregon?
If you answered yes to that question, I have a golf course that I’d like to sell you at the South Pole.
It doesn’t take much courage or character to do things the Georgia way. I’ll give the Bulldogs a milliliter of respect when they show up in Oregon for a football game. To be honest, before that happens, I think we’ll see Tiger Woods teeing it up at the Antarctic Open.
Alan Lohner
Tigard, Oregon
Screen shot on top from Fox Sports Video
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Alan Lohner is a native of Toledo, Ohio, where he served as a police officer from 1976-1980, before he moved West, graduating with a master’s degree in journalism at the University of Oregon in 1981. He’s enjoyed a long, successful career as a writer and creative director in advertising and marketing communications.
Alan takes delight in writing satire and spoofs for Ducks fans. He’s also written two self-help books; one is a highly acclaimed guide for teens and young adults, available as a free PDF to any member of the FishDuck community. Send a request to Alan, via message, in the OBD forum. For professional writing inquiries, you can contact Alan at alanlohner@gmail.com