As Seen While Under the Knife

It was supposed to be a 12-minute procedure — anesthetized, wheeled into the operating room, surgery, and home that afternoon. Blood pressure 128/81. Perfect. Oxygen saturation, 96%. Very good. Heart rate 91. Not unusual pre-surgery. All systems go. IV attached and running smoothly. Kiss the wife goodbye, and I’m off.

Little was I to know what awaited me next.

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Little was I to know what awaited me next.

The cold air and bright lights of an O.R. are always a bit of a surprise. But I was comforted by the familiar sight of a surgeon I knew and the anesthesiologist who had introduced himself minutes earlier. The machines beeped and booped as I drifted…away.

Normal to this point

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Typical to this point.

Suddenly, a bright light appeared in the distance! Vaguely I heard a voice saying, “Oh no!” but the light drew me ever nearer to its comforting glow.

Hello, light.

en.wikipedia.org

Hello, light.

And behold, as I advanced to the light, sights, sounds and more, came to me. All of my senses were alive! I felt the sensation of my first kiss.

It was exactly like this, as far as you know.

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It was exactly like this, as far as you know.

Like Tom Jones, I felt the warm touch of the green green grass of home.

Have I mentioned I grew up  across a grassy field from  Charles Fischer's house? It is pictured here.

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Have I mentioned I grew up across a grassy field from Charles Fischer’s house? It is pictured here.

Yea verily, I advanced further into the light. It was then I saw visions of what was, and what could yet be. I was to learn about things I had only imagined. I was to imagine that which I did not know could be.

12-minute routine surgery indeed.

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12-minute routine surgery indeed.

Suddenly a foreboding came over me. The air turned suddenly cold. I felt a clamminess the like of which I had never felt before. Something was amiss! Verily, verily, I say unto thee I beheld a dark image.

Seriously dude?

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Seriously dude?

Before he could take shape the image spake unto me. “You have angered the Dark Lord with thy writings. Thou wilt pay for thy transgressions and feel the WRATH OF THE UNDEAD!”

Apparently.

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Apparently.

Behold, the dark image appeared from the misty gloom. I recognized him for what he had perpetrated during his days on Earth. I knew, for the very first time, the true nature and true image of one who is damned for all eternity.

Who else could it have been?

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Who else could it have been?

And behold, I was so afraid.

And mostly naked. And with a twin brother in black and white. What was up with that?

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And mostly naked. And with a twin brother in black and white. What was up with that?

But suddenly there came over the Dark Lord’s face a flicker. The flicker became a grimace. The grimace became a scowl. His hearing, far more acute than my own, had discerned a noise. When I heard the noise a feeling of profound relief washed over me.

It was to be the second most refreshing washing of my life.

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It was to be the second most refreshing washing of my life.

And a voice came from the cloud, saying “Leave him be, Dark Lord! He is one of mine own! BEGONE! TO YOUR SHABBY DUNGEON!

And so it was.

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And so it was.

I fell to my knees and cried “Holy Lord, what must I do to please you and land in your favor amongst the lilies of the field and the birds of the air?”

I'm no fool. By this time I knew what bird rocks God's world the most.

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I’m no fool. By this time, I knew what bird rocks God’s world the most.

He said, with a voice most sweet and melodious. “Be thou the best member of my flock thou canst be. Buy the tickets from the ticket office. Fly to away games. Buy gear through the FishDuck.com site for the finest value. Continue to worship me in My house…

Natch.

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Natch.

…but most of all, my son. Go Ducks!”

I awakened refreshed and with a renewed sense of purpose. I knew my place in the world. I knew the calling to which I was meant to follow. I was not dismayed the doctor had removed my spleen and replaced it with the spleen of a mountain goat when he was only supposed to perform cataract surgery. I had seen the light…and it was good indeed.

Top photo by ên.wikipedia.org

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