Corvallis, Oregon, Reaches for It’s True Potential

Kim Hastings Humor Leave a Comment

Hello friends. It’s good to talk with you again. As most of you know, I retired from some time ago. I am enjoying the warm weather in my retirement community. The neighbors speak with an accent, making communication difficult. But that will come with time.

I knew I made some enemies in my time with FishDuck. I didn't know Husky fans had this kind of clout.

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I knew I made some enemies in my time with, but I didn’t know Husky fans had this kind of clout.

Not long ago I was reading a magazine someone had smuggled, via their rectum, into the retirement community. In it, I read Corvallis Makes List of Drunkest Towns in America at No. 20

Well sir, I couldn’t let such a thing go unremarked upon! Corvallis! You as a city must …


What? You think I’m suggesting Corvallis sober up? On the contrary! The last time I was in Corvallis this was my lunch …

Just from the pointlessness of the place

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… just from the pointlessness of the place.

No, I am here to tell the good people (should any be found) of the City of Corvallis that you can do better. 20th place! Hell, no! You can be Top 15! You can be Top 10! There’s no reason you can’t win the prize! Make Ireland look like a bunch of teetotalers. Make Pullman look Amish!

Martin Stadium Shuttle Bus

Turn this into the Martin Stadium Shuttle Bus

How can Corvallis do the Watermelon Crawl up the drunken ladder to national prominence? It won’t be hard. Just follow a few steps as laid out at the last staff convention in Fiji.

1. A New Name for Reser Stadium: We came up with a number of good ones. MD 20/20 Field. Thunderbird Coliseum. But we settled on:

Because who wouldn't want to attend a football game at a stadium extolling both cheap booze and questionable dating practices?

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Because who wouldn’t want to attend a football game at a stadium extolling both cheap booze and questionable dating practices?


2. A More Accurate “Brand” For Your Cheerleaders. The Ducks have the market cornered on class and pure beauty.

Hello, Amanda. How are you?

Commons Wikimedia

Hello, Amanda. How are you?

So Corvallis has to make their own way toward the image they truly wish to portray.

OSU's next cheer coach.

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OSU’s next cheer coach.

3. A New Mayor: Since this is an election season, what better time to burnish Corvallis’ reputation as the Beer Fart Capital of the Pacific Northwest?

Psst. Mayor Parker. It's time for your staff meeting.

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Psst. Mayor Parker. It’s time for your staff meeting.

But mostly, Corvallis, remember this.

"We're all rooting for you."

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“We’re all rooting for you.”

Top photo by

(Really, it was. How rich is that?)

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