College Football Returns with a Flash? No, a Flush

Alan Lohner Humor

Is college football going down the drain? From the looks of today’s 11 flushable games, it well could be, if only temporarily. This is officially Week 0, presumably because of the number of zeroes that are playing. (And yes, that includes you, Florida Atlantic, and ex-Oregon coach Willie What’s-His-Name.)

If it’s pomp, pageantry, and high drama you seek, you’re going to have to wait another week. I didn’t mean to make that rhyme; somehow it just happens all the time.

Georgia’s On My Mind

Next Saturday, a watchable game finally takes place, only because Our Beloved Ducks are flying 2,189 miles to mess with the Georgia Bulldogs in Atlanta, a neutral site that in all honesty is about as neutral as fluorescent-pink hot pants.

Coaxing Georgia out of the South is like trying to pry a flamingo from the jaws of an alligator. SEC teams, for all their braggadocio, are football’s wallflowers. For non-conference games, you’ll probably find them at home on a Saturday pummeling some hapless pushover like UL-Monroe, Samford, or South Carolina State. Yes, wallflowers are often closet bullies.

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The SEC loves to feast on football’s weaklings.

Warning: Severe Burns Ahead

I’ll have more to say next week about Oregon and Georgia. If you’re a Bulldogs fan,  you might want to tell all your friends–and stay well away from this website. If you’re a Ducks fan, you can look forward to the first of many game-day burns on Oregon’s opponents. I don’t subscribe to the philosophy of “Northwest nice.”

Statistics, simple truth, and spoofing are the arrows in my quiver, and as an ex-cop, I’m well-practiced in taking effective aim at my targets. My goal in this weekly feature is to give gridiron comfort and aid to fellow Ducks fans, and if I can inject entertainment and elicit a few laughs along the way, all the better.

Without the Ducks on the schedule, today has all the appeal of anchovies on wilted Romaine, topped by grated Limburger cheese. I’ve sat through lectures on molecular physics that are infinitely more interesting than this week’s slate of contests.

Introducing the Backstabber-2 Conference

Let’s skip those tedious games for now and look under the hood of the Pacific-12 Conference. These days a more appropriate name would be the Not-So-Pacific Conference. The once “Conference of Champions” has been transformed into the “Conference of Cloak and Dagger but Mostly Dagger,” thanks to the two backstabbers, USC and UCLA, who have all the integrity and charity of the Menendez brothers.

I suppose that’s harsh, but I figure that those two psychopaths can handle having the Menendez name further besmirched by tagging it with the Trojans and Bruins.

The University of Snakes & Cretins and the University of Clueless Lunatics & Addicts are abandoning the Pac-12, of course, and carpetbagging to the Big Ten in 2024. The primary villain is USC; UCLA is the homely friend just tagging along, but every bit as sleazy.

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USC and UCLA–a runaway train that is ruthless, careless, and heartless.

Meet ‘President Greedy’ of USC

It was USC that plunged the knife in the Pac-12–in the manner of an infamous Trojan alumnus–and left the conference bleeding out on a dark and lonely byway. Whether the Pac-12 survives is speculative. But what is certain is that USC and UCLA will be hated not for eternity, since that’s unquantifiable by scientists, but for the next 10 trillion years, the predicted life of the universe.

The money-grubbing president of USC, a certain Carol Folt, who could be cast as the Wicked Witch of the West, when “The Wizard of Oz” is remade, continues to crazily maintain that her university’s perfidious move was done in the interests of student-athletes.

Sports analyst Paul Finebaum from the SEC Network put it right. With blistering sarcasm, he said, “I’m just gratified that the leaders of college athletics care so much about the student-athletes and their mental well-being that they’re going to put softball players on a plane in California to go to Piscataway for a weekend series with Rutgers.”

Finebaum called out Folt on her blatant hypocrisy. “This is about money, pure and simple,” he said. “Don’t let any college commissioner or president tell you otherwise. They’re a greedy bunch.”

P.R. a la USC–Pathetically Ridiculous

Upon shivving the Pac-12 in the ribs, Folt released the following statement, brimming with chutzpah, callousness, and absurdity: “This decision was made after serious deliberation and analysis, and with great appreciation and respect for our Pac-12 colleagues with whom we have enjoyed a wonderful history and relationship.”

After assassinating Julius Caesar, imagine Brutus, a chief conspirator, penning the following scroll to the Roman people: “This decision was made after serious deliberation and analysis, and with great appreciation and respect for Caesar, with whom we enjoyed a wonderful history and relationship.”

Folt’s statement is so vacuous and amoral that in a genuinely just society, she would be forced to have it tattooed on her forehead. It wouldn’t stitch back together the Pac-12, but it might enliven those stuffy ivory-tower cocktail parties overpopulated by smarmy eggheads and empty suits.

What Do You Expect From a Place That Still Celebrates O.J.?

In the July 29 edition of the “Los Angeles Times,” J. Brady McCollough and Ryan Kartje reported that Folt “shut down” an effort in the summer of 2021 to expand the Pac-12 into the Great Plains states. It seems that Folt’s dirty and duplicitous plan to waylay the Pac-12 was a long time in development.

Four pompous voices for USC–Marc Kulkin, Chris Arledge, Erik McKinney, and Greg Katz–appeared on a loony July 12 videocast called “Inside the Trojans’ Huddle,” promoted by “WeAreSC,” and they gave enthusiastic support for every nasty thing that Folt has done. You don’t expect integrity from anyone at USC, do you?

You do remember that the L.A. Memorial Coliseum, home of the Trojans, is the only college football stadium that honors a sadistic perpetrator of spousal violence, arguably one of the worst human beings to ever walk planet Earth. Beneath the coliseum’s Olympic cauldron torch, above the peristyle at the east end of the stadium, there on display is a grossly large Trojans uniform top–O.J.’s jersey–with the number 32 smacking you in the face.

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O.J.’s most famous run.

Inside that Trojans’ Huddle–Hold Your Nose

The musings of the four SC wackos are roughly equivalent to the horse droppings of that Trojan nag named Traveler.

Kulkin actually stated that any criticism toward Carol Folt is “a raw deal.” Arledge weirdly opined of Folt, “I’m thrilled with her,” and he smugly remarked that he doesn’t care if other schools are upset. McKinney, who might need to be fitted for a straitjacket, said that Folt “got rid of the anchor”–the Pac-12–which was pulling USC down.

Katz perversely accused the other Pac-12 schools of using USC as a “stepping stone” to advance their own programs. He sees no problem with USC leaving for the Big Ten. “Why wouldn’t they?” he said, churlishly.

These four louts expressed no gratitude to the Pac-12 for the benefits that USC has garnered over the past decades. There was no appreciation for history or tradition. There was no hint of remorse, but there was abundant gloating. Arledge scornfully stated that other Pac-12 schools need to be looking for lifeboats and many won’t find one. Does this bother Arledge? Nah. “That’s just the way it is,” he said, disdain dripping down his chin.

Ducks Superiority Breeds Trojan Hatred

In the 21st century, the Oregon Ducks have manhandled USC eight times in 13 games. It’s why the Trojans loathe us, and we like that just fine. Arledge, whose middle name could be Snidely, remarked that he’s looking forward to Oregon playing San Diego State in a new Pac-12 alignment. The marginally insane McKinney crowed, “USC kind of took Oregon out into the desert, dug a shallow grave, and drove away with their water bottle.”

Whatever.

This is SC–a super-annoying, classless cadre of degenerates. Spare me the “you need to respect your opponent” nonsense. The Trojans are not an opponent–they are a Hollywood trope along the lines of Michael Myers or Freddy Krueger. You can’t get any uglier than that.

The Two-Faced Carol of Troy

The mealy-mouthed idgets in the media tout USC’s deceitful exit from the Pac-12 as “inevitable change,” “a pruning of weaker programs,” and “progress.” Let’s call it what it really is: unfathomable money lust, wanton selfishness, and back-alley butchery.

In mythology, the face of Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships. The two-faced, all-too-real Carol Folt of Troy has fired a deadly salvo at thousands of innocents–Pac-12 administrators, coaches, and players.

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The essence of Carol Folt’s messaging to the Pac-12.

Predictions for Today’s Games!

Finally, let us focus for five seconds on today’s “zero” slate of 11 games. I predict 11 victors on the football field and millions of losing fans who deserve to see something better on TV than Vanderbilt at Hawaii, Idaho State at UNLV, and Charlotte at Florida Atlantic. Flush them all.

I recommend the 2020 Pac-12 championship game and the Ducks trashing those reprehensible Trojans. I might watch it twice.

Alan Lohner
Tigard, Oregon
Top Photo by Brad DeWald

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