Once in a while something happens to remind me that, in the grand scheme of things, my wife and I haven’t been together all that long. Case in point, the other night. She came home from work . As she clicked the car lock button and started across the yard she saw where a few burned waffles (Eggo type) were …
Mad Men Meet Spring Football
It’s all about the marketing, baby. NASCAR interviewees could tell us that their car was fine. Instead they say, “The Motorcraft, M&M’s, Northern Ultra Chevy was purring like a kitten.” It’s not only the let’s-turn-left crowd, though. Just this week the NBA floated the (awful) idea that player uniforms might bear sponsor names in the future. Holy Manchester United, Batman. …
The Tax Man Bloweth
I can’t be expected to be funny today. I’m working under a great deal of stress. This is the weekend that makes strong men cower and weak men crumble. Monday is tax day. Sure, I could have done my taxes earlier, but I had to wait for my Form 1120-F ”Deductions Allocated to Effectively Connected Income Under Regulations Section 1.861-8″, …
Rabbits Don’t Lay Eggs, Y’all.
For much of the world, Easter is the holiest day of the year. That said, there is no day on the calender more filled with off-topic nonsense than that which will occur tomorrow. First there is the stressful activity known as the Easter Egg Hunt. I dreaded the thing. My little brother was the world’s greatest Easter Egg finder-guy. It …
I’m Rich!!!
At least, I soon will be. The MegaMillions drawing is tonight and I bought a ticket for it. It’s almost in the bag that I will be the big winner because I haven’t before. That means I’m due. All that’s left while I wait for my inevitable numbers to ping pong out of the machine is to decide what I …
I Come Not to Bury the Huskies, But to Praise Them
I am a new man. No longer the man who averts his eyes when seeing opposing stadia for fear of creating a road rage pileup. No longer the half-crazed Duck fan, gone livid by the sight of a bumper sticker that isn’t Duck in origin here in Tacoma. No longer the groom who wrote, “Promise to love, honor, and cherish …
Have You Seen My Snake?
And a good day to you, lads and lassies, on the feast day of St. Patrick! Kermit the Frog became a wealthy sock when he declared, in scratchy melody, “It Ain’t Easy Being Green.” Silly frog. Not only is it easy being green, it’s downright refreshing! First a little history: St. Patrick was born in 367 in the town of …
And If Elected, I Solemnenomely… Somnolently… Sominex… Promise
Someone wiser than me once said, about Leap Year, “Why, oh why, do they have to put the extra day in a Presidential Election year? Do we really need to have the extra day to be told what we want to hear by people from whom we don’t want to hear it?” I thought that was deep. Personally I always …
The 2012 Duckademy Awards
It’s Hollywood’s Biggest Night! The streets are filled with elegant ladies and dashing gentlemen arriving at The Kodak Theater in Tinseltown U.S.A. This is the night that we’ve all been waiting for. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will present their coveted statuettes to some of the most deserving rich people er…artistes, craftsmen, poets, and geniuses in the …
I Thought They Said “Lint”…
…And that would have been okay. Everyone gets a little lint on themselves now and again. Dryer sheets are good for that. ” Here just use a lint brush and we’ll be good to go. Maybe a touch or two with a piece of scotch tape and…” “What????” “Ohhhh…you want to talk about LENT!” This is a different story entirely. …
Reflections On Being The Same Age as the Speed Limit
Oh, I’m not as old as the really fun speed limit in Montana and Idaho. I’m not even as old as the open interstate limit in Oregon or Washington. But the calendar says that I have arrived at the I-5 speed limit through Eugene. How did this happen????? Aren’t K.C. and the Sunshine Band still cool????? Why did I get …
SATURDAY SPOOFS: How to Be a Good Lover
This article almost doesn’t need to be written. The male Duck fan is already known far and wide as the smoothest, suavest, butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, coolest cat in America. By comparison to a normal Duck fan, Cary Grant is Pee Wee Herman, Ryan Reynolds is Peter Griffin, and Justin Timberlake is just “Bringin’ Back Pocket Protectors”. Why just last …